i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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