We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize