watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You smell like stripper and shame
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
