I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
