I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Farmville is her only friend.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
