Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
