cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
