this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my shit smells like andre
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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