He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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