Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
