my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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