someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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