Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Barsexuality is the new black.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
