i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
