someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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