someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I smell like Dick and happiness
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
