apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
