And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
