Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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