my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
should my penis look like a turkey
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
