Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
