I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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