hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
