just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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