girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
