I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
