Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
