i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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