I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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