dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
