Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
