The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
