Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
