ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
