lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
