If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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