Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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