he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
