so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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