Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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