his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
