my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
