We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
