i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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