Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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