I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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