I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
