The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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