Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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