Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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