there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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