Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
we should paint friendship bongs
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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