What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
